As some of you may know, I experienced quite the speed bump in my journey to competing this up coming Saturday. Ten days out from my competition I was getting ready to do a box squat and on my way down, something happened to my right side hip/back. I tried to pretend it was nothing, that I could somehow shake it out but I soon realized it was unshakable.
The night before I met with my church and I was selected to be prayed for and little did I know, these words would sustain me in the next days to come. The day of my injury was a good day for me, I felt like God was going to get me through this, I was hopeful and fully convinced that I would be healed the next day despite how uncomfortable I was. I made God this special card and wrote him a letter thanking and praising him for all he has done and for being with me every step of the way. It was a great day. God was filling me up and overflowing my love tank knowing I would soon need every oz of it.
Thursday morning I woke up to serious pain. A friend came over that morning and prayed for me and my hope had changed quickly to despair. I had doubts, I questioned God, I questioned my journey, and found myself in a dark place quickly. My friend took the boys for the afternoon and I decided to go into Now Care to see a Dr. immediately for answers. As I walked to the door to get my keys to go, I fell to the floor in pain that was indescribable. I crawled to my phone and called my husband to come get me and take me in. Two hrs later after sitting painfully in a wheelchair, I saw a Dr who gave me the great news that I had a spasm in my back. Really? This much pain for a muscle spasm? I felt weak as if I should be able to suck this up and get on with my life but I knew this was bigger than my will and my strength. I was given meds and sent on my way to rest and let this run its course.
My worst moment came Saturday morning when I attempted to walk to the kitchen table and was in SO much pain, I swore...not just a little cuss word but the F BOMB came right out of my mouth in front of my family. In that moment, I wanted to just be dead. I could not imagine having to go another day in the amount of pain I was in. It was such a helpless feeling. How was I suppose to function as a mom?
A friend of ours came that day AND the next to take the boys and I was able to just rest and only get up to eat my scheduled meals. I was able to get in to an acupuncturist that Saturday and massage that evening and Sunday I felt significantly better. Today is Monday and I have had another round of acupuncture, massage, and saw the chiropractor who was able to gently adjust my hips. I am hanging on to hope and thankful that I am healing and making great progress.
Going back to Tuesday night before my injury. A couple of words were given to me.
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.26 When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.27 She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. 28 Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her:29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”
11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ,[c] who gives me strength.
I have read these over and over trying to regain strength and rest in his truth. I have had a lot of time to think the past 5 days while I lay on my back. I've had time to just be, to reflect, to be thankful, to doubt, to feel sorry for myself and through all of it, God was sitting right next to me, listening and picking me up off the floor and giving me hope when I felt hopeless. I will make a decision on Wednesday whether or not I will be up on the stage competing Saturday. I have thought about how I may feel if I do, if I don't, if I will continue and do another. My answer is always to stop trying to figure it all out. God has faithfully prepared me and I need to let go and allow him to lead the way. I know this is so small on the scale of what life can bring our way but for me in this moment it seems big. I've worked really hard to get to this point and I have been faithful in my prep (minus one animal cookie extravaganza) but in the end for me it truly has been the journey. Getting on stage is not why I did this. It's the celebration of what I have done and trust me, I want to be celebrated BUT from the beginning, 9 months ago I had a goal and I have met it full on and am proud to be here in this moment to truly have reflection on what this journey has done for me personally. I am coasting into Saturday with hope and peace knowing that no matter what happens I already won!